Centering Digital Thriving in the Era of AI

An Ongoing Conversation About Supporting Kids’ and Teens Digital Lives

“I’m a fan of thoughtful boundaries,” explained Dr. Carrie James during her December talk with ISB parents on the topic of supporting kids’ and teens’ digital lives.

Dr. James’ advice echoed what we heard last year from Dr. Michael Rich, author of The Mediatrician’s Guide. Dr. James’ Center for Digital Thriving at Harvard University guides adults to shift their mindset from “referee” to “coach” on thoughtful tech use. Any good coach works with their players to understand the game, develops habits and practices that will help them to thrive, and holds their players accountable when needed.

“Thoughtful boundaries” is great advice for approaching the digital world with our kids and teens. However, how do we draw appropriate boundaries when the new universe of AI evolves and expands week by week?

As a society, we are entering a new era of technology that will permeate our human world in ways that are impossible to predict. As we live through this transformation with our kids, guidance around technology is necessarily an ongoing, evolving conversation.

Dr. James’ insights on how young people are thinking about their tech use, and how adults can support them, provide a valuable gameplan.

What Tweens and Teens Are Experiencing

Sharing research from her book Behind Their Screens and current conversations with teens regarding AI, Dr. James provided insight into what tweens and teens are experiencing in this shifting digital world.

Conversations with AI chatbots can meet emotional needs. As one teen shared, “It listens.” These tools provide validation and advice that feel genuinely helpful.

Online, teens struggle with social dynamics that span the offline and online world. “I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings if I can’t stay in touch with them,” explained one 17-year-old, regarding the complications of being a good friend in a 24/7 digital world.

Teens are acutely aware of the “pull of the screen.” A 13-year-old admitted this struggle: “I feel like I’m too interested in my phone instead of what’s happening around me. I wish that I didn’t use my phone so much.”

Shifting the Focus of Conversations at Home

What can parents and caregivers do?

The core, as Dr. James described, is to move from “tech-centered” to “teen-centered” thinking. We should center the conversation on our kids’ values, goals, and challenges. We can ask:

• What’s going well for you right now?
• What’s hard?
• How does tech make things better or worse (or both)?

When we center teens’ well-being and thriving, our conversations about tech are grounded in our shared values for their development.

Mindshifts That Support Collaboration

Dr. James shared additional “mindshifts” that help adults adjust our interactions with kids and teens.

Moving from “What the Heck?” to “What’s Familiar?” encourages us to investigate why a kid might be making questionable choices in digital spaces, and to imagine what need or urge they might be fulfilling.

Moving from “Assuming” to “Asking” allows us to hear the kid’s story. Open-ended questions allow them to lead the way.

Embracing a transition from “Referee” to “Coach” encourages adults to think beyond boundaries and to focus on building skills through collaboration.

Finally, shifting from “Us vs. Them” to “Us and Them” thinking encourages us to share our own frustrations and struggles with technology and model how to approach challenges. Dr. James offers the idea of changing habits together as a family, perhaps even creating a friendly competition to motivate positive changes for everyone.

Leading With Curiosity in an AI-Infused World

As we confront the evolving landscape of AI-infused online experiences, “Us and Them” partnership allows us to discover challenges and opportunities together, and to sketch boundaries that keep our family needs and teens’ thriving at the center.

As parents, caregivers, and other responsible adults, we should continue to lead with curiosity as we learn about AI tools. As we develop our own AI literacy, we can be in conversation with kids and teens. Ask what they know and have come across, and ask them to teach it to us.

Sharing our own emotions, curiosities, and discomforts with tech tools makes our thinking visible and reinforces their own literacy and skills of critical thinking.

About the Author: Darlene Jacokes is the Health and Wellness Coordinator at International School of Boston. At ISB, Darlene teaches comprehensive health education classes at the middle and high school levels, including digital wellness units. Darlene earned her M.Ed. in School Counseling from Loyola Marymount University in Chicago. During her 13 years in education, she has supported students’ holistic development through roles as a health and social and emotional learning classroom educator, counselor, and advisor. Darlene is passionate about fostering energetic student conversation and collaboration, empowering teens to make sense of complex personal and social issues.